Courtney: Until You Lose Yourself
by Marilyn3
Summary: Courtney recalls some heart-racing, heart-shattering memories with our one and only bad boy.


I remember when I first saw him.

He had these multiple piercings and green hair.  
And his heart-shattering blue eyes.  
Lean muscles sticking out from his black tee shirt.

And he was wearing this cocky half-smile, knowing that  
Whoever laid eyes on him, would be affected.

And I remember how he was with his friends.  
Laughing and checking out all the girls as they walked by.

And then there was me:

Long, brown hair in a ponytail,  
Glasses perched on the bridge of my nose,  
A simple hoodie and a white tank top.

I had an arm full of books that I got from the library and I was standing with my friends.  
I kept glancing over at him.

At how easily he spoke and laughed without any care in the world.

And I guess my gaze lingered for a bit too long.

Cause the next thing I know,  
His crystal blue eyes were staring deep into my brown ones.

And that's how I knew my life would change forever.

Of course, that's what I think about now.

Memories like that just keep coming back in flashes, you know?

Like the times where he would teach me how to break the rules,  
Or the times when he showed me things that just seemed so unreal to me.

All of these free-fall ideas has lead me to wake up in an unknown place.

All that I can remember, was that there was a party here.  
I remember having a couple drinks.  
I remember dancing.  
Not very well,  
I was just too far gone and in my own little world to just care about how I looked.  
And,  
I remember him dancing with another girl.  
I remember him kissing her.  
I remember me standing there in shock,  
In the middle of all of these sweaty bodies, not noticing or caring what was going on around them.

And yet, all these blissed out memories are what are flashing through my mind.

Like, a one big kaleidoscope of memories.

They all come rushing back…  
And, yet…

He never does.

And I think, that a part of me knew that the second I saw him that this would happen.

I mean,  
It really wasn't anything that he said or anything that he did.  
It was just,  
the feeling that came with it.

All that rush and freedom that I never felt before,  
Felt so intoxicating and addicting.  
And the crazy thing is,  
I don't think that I'll ever feel that way again.  
But, I don't know if I should.

I knew that his world moved too fast,  
And burned too bright.

And yet,  
All I could think about is:

How can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?

Maybe,  
Just maybe,  
He knew that when he saw me.

I guess I just lost my balance with the fire and the pleasure that it brought.

I hear a car,  
Somewhere outside of this deserted building.  
I look out the window and see my friend's car.

I hurry out of the building and into her car.

I don't say anything and she doesn't ask.  
I can feel her wanting to ask,  
For me to tell her anything…

But I just can't.  
Oh no.  
Not yet anyways.

She was kind enough to come find me and pick me up, after all.  
Even though I acted like a complete bitch to her for these past couple of months.

Yes, I will tell her.

-Fast-forward-

Two Weeks Later—

I'm sitting on her bed,  
Letting all the memories spill out.

The time when me and him jumped the fence to get into a Green Day concert.  
When I cried during 21 Guns, and he held my hand as I swore that it was the best night of my life.

The time we drove past that 'No Trespassing' sign, where the airplanes left off and fly over.  
And when the cops pulled up and arrested us, and I thought about running..  
Thinking that it would be a great story.  
I asked the cop for a light, and he laughed,  
Knowing that I didn't smoke.  
We were sitting side-by-side, just talking and laughing,  
Since the cops were taking their time. But we didn't mind.  
I drifted off, and then they just let us go.

The time when me and my mom got into a huge fight and he came and got me  
At 3 in the morning.  
And we drove to the beach and walked along the shore.  
And when it started to rain and we quickly ran back to the car, out by the pier.  
I pushed him down and whispered in his ear that I hated my life and to hold on to me  
And if he ever decided to leave, that I would go somewhere with him.

The times when I would practically drag him to the carnival  
And laugh on the rides, like we were kids again.

The times when we drove around on Saturday nights  
And how he would make fun of me as I sang to every song on the radio  
Or just any song that popped into my mind.  
And when we would get a hotel room…

The time we put a blanket on the roof top and I knew I wouldn't make him stop.

The times when he would tell me that I was beautiful as we snuck into my neighbor's swimming pool.

The times we would flicker lighters to fight the dark.

The times where we would steal beers out of the trailer park.

The times when I would wait in the parking out at the record shop where he worked.  
And when he would come out and kiss me.  
How he tasted like Coca-Cola and cigarettes.

The time we wore face masks and walked around a small convenient store.  
I was wearing a frog one; he was wearing a fox.  
We split up and I was drinking out of a half-gallon milk container while he pick-pocketed some things.  
And the looks we got from the cashier as we went up to the register and pay for the milk that I drunk out of.

The time we ate at a small diner and he climbed over the booths and jumped down to take this basketball from a little boy.  
We tossed it to each other for a little while, just laughing and having fun.  
Then he gave it back to the kid and he held open the door in a dorky way and we left.

The list goes on and on.

I tell her what happened at the party.  
Hours before she came and got me.

When I drifted off from the memories,  
She looks at me and grabs my hand and asks, "Was that the worst part?"

I think and shake my head, I look deeply in her eyes and slowly say,  
"I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him.

It was losing me."

* * *

**(A/N) I was feeling really inspired and decided to write this :D I hope that you enjoyed it!**

**This is based around Taylor Swift's monologue from 'I Knew You Were Trouble'**

**Also has some song/music video moments from all around :)**


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